Can Grace Heal What Abuse Broke?

In the story I’m working on, Behold, All Things Are Become New, Tyler’s abusive father appears uninvited on his wedding day, asking to talk. The groom’s dilemma is this:

He can hold on to his justified anger and send his father away—preserving his grudge but keeping his heart hardened.
He can allow himself to believe his father has changed—risking disappointment but also opening himself to healing.

All of us have been hurt by someone. The question we face is this: Can we restore our trust?

Second Corinthians 5:17 holds out hope in difficult relationships: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

Change comes to those who are in Christ. What does “in Christ” mean? These are people who yield to Christ’s control in their lives, as opposed to those who insist on maintaining control. Those who are in Christ will watch the old self transform into a new person. It may not happen all at once. It may not happen in the area others most want to see changed. But new values will take root—in the heart, the mind, and the will.

That said, not all wounds are equal.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

The Bible commands us to forgive (Colossians 3:13; Matthew 18:21–22), but it doesn’t impose a timeline. Issues such as abuse are deeper and take longer to work through (Proverbs 18:9; Romans 12:18). God gets it. Even Jesus did not entrust himself to everyone (John 2:24–25). Peace is not always fully achievable.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not synonymous. God doesn’t ask a person to put herself at risk by forgiving too early. We can work toward reconciliation, but only at the appropriate time.

I read the following quote in the book titled Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, at the end of chapter 12, titled “Boundaries and Yourself”:

“A victim is a person who has, while in a helpless state, been injured by the exploitation of another. Some victimization is verbal, some is physical, some is sexual, and some is satanically ritualistic. All cause extreme damage to the character structure of a child, who then grows up to adulthood with spiritual, emotional, and cognitive distortions. In each case, however, three factors remain constant: helplessness, injury, and exploitation.”

Such a person needs assurance that the offender has changed before reconciliation can take place. While the Bible commands us to forgive, reconciliation is neither guaranteed nor required. We cannot control another person’s choices. If he hasn’t changed and may harm us again, it is only prudent to create distance.

Perhaps wounded people should ask another question: Is change needed in my life? In my perspective?

In Tyler’s case, will he let go of his cynicism toward his father? If not, will he end up bringing his father’s mess into his own marriage?

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

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